WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
you know what ruined my childhood? children
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]