cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I’ve been drinking.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant