My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.