Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins