Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Nice try, NASA
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower