Not today
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
saving face 👀
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face