Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.