Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.