Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
You Might Also Like
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it