Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.