In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.