Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one