Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
#Caturday
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department