#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.