Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth