8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
You Might Also Like
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken