How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.