*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”