It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Lucky old June.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time