[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Last-minute gift idea!
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?