I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.