I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
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When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
This is why I hate group projects
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register