[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in