so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
You Might Also Like
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.