“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.