Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.