“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
If you need a laugh.. 😅
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
seems fine
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.