When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 馃槄
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I鈥檓 here to tell you that you鈥檒l keep the people who matter most. What you鈥檒l miss are the restaurants.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I鈥檓 sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you鈥檙e pregnant.
Me: I鈥檓… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that鈥檚 what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”