I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.