Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Life cycle of cat
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK