“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
just left a huge legacy in there
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.