“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
You Might Also Like
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.