Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
You Might Also Like
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all