“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
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Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.