[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
You Might Also Like
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.