“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.