A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.