If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me My dog
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.