“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.