[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”