I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
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Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain