IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
relationship goals
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me My dog
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I want what they have
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.