My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Happy Halloween 🎃
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
no such thing as a dumb question
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!