*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts