I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
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Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
This is my cat’s medicine.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Did…did a minotaur write this
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Seas the day!!!!
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
my mom making me talk to relatives