Don’t we all.
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Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Every damn time
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket