5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian