Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant