So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work