It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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Pass gas, not judgment.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.